If you are looking for a sports related article from me today, check out my Fausto Carmona article on www.wahoosonfirst.com
Warning: There’s a 95% chance this post is the result of cold medication and hallucination. You’ve been warned.
There was a time… Let’s call it “The Before Time.”
The Before Time was a happy time… a good time… a time when myself and the Yankee Loving Fiancée could breathe out of our noses without the aid of over the counter sinus medications. Yes, those were good times, but right now we live in The After Time, A time in which Vick’s Vapo Rub, Afrin, Day Quil Sinus Cold and Flu pills, the accompanying trippy LSD-like dreams and tissues are our only friends. These are not good times.
The After Time began with the infection of our household by a plague of epic proportions rivaled only by Ebola and the Black Plauge of the Dark Ages. Legend has it that it struck on a Friday… this past Friday as a matter of fact… with malice and spite unlike anything I have ever seen before. I may hate the Yankees but this disease has shown no such prejudice. It has wreaked havoc on everything in its wake regardless of MLB affiliations. As a result, myself and the Yankee Loving Fiance have both been worthless clumps of nothing ever since.
Sure, we went to work today… or at least tried. We were only able to make it until Noon. At that point she had reached the point of extreme exhaustion and my boss, in the most kind and eloquent of ways, told me “You look like shit. Go home.”
Of course there is one reason why we tried to gut out work today. Yes, we’ve gotten through the season DVD’s of every television show we own and have rented from Netflix. Also, the DVR is fully caught up on. Desperate times call for desperate measures. There was also the slight chance that this plague isn’t even a plague but more so the possession of an evil demonic force placed on to others through touch.
Of course it is… why else would the two of us be going back and forth feeling better and feeling worse? It’s the only logical explanation. This f*cker needed to be passed on. I don’t think we succeeded
The other possible explanation is we have yet to find a television show not named The Price is Right with the proper medicinal properties to combat this plague.
- The Big Bang Theory… Fail
- Castle… Fail
- American Pickers… Fail
- The National Geographic Channel (yes, and entire channel)… Fail
- NBA Basketball… Fail
- King of the Hill… Fail
- The Tourist (movie)… Fail
- The Underworld Trilogy… Fail
- Seinfeld… Fail
- Mythbusters… Fail
- CSI… Fail
- Law and Order… Fail
- Family Guy… Fail
- Pawn Stars… Fail
- Say Yes to the Dress (obviously my choice…)… Fail
There’s a very good chance we don’t survive this. If I was smart I would purchase stock in the Kleenex Tissue Company, at least then I’d get something out of the epic pace we’re on in terms of tissue usage. On a related note, the amount of used tissues lying around this apartment is probably a fire hazard.
In closing, if I don’t survive this, please… I beg of you… speak kindly of me.